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The Worst Valentine's Day Fic Ever

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The Worst Valentine's Day Fic Ever is a sequel to The Worst Christmas Fic Ever, sometimes under the title The Worst Christmas Fic Ever 2: Not As Good As The First. The following story is has a lot of references to the /m/ boards on 4chan. Being familiar with Gundam. Kamen Rider, Cross Ange, and Warhammer 40,000 helps a lot. Be warned: Contains a lot of Chicago pride.



One day Beargguy-San was hopping through the woods with a bunch of honey he stole from the break room fridge at Sunrise Studios. They didn't care because they needed somewhere to put Fllay Allister and the fridge now has room. Don't feel bad for her, she's a total racist against genetically modified people. Anyway, Beargguy encountered Lockon Stratos's Haro. He said to the mecha bear that the King Stone needs a BAMF for a host because superhero origins are like that. Beargguy yelled his name followed by "Mother Fucker!" after putting on some shades. The King Stone found Beargguy and said "Eh, you'll do" and fused with him. He became the Child of the Sunrise, Beargguy Black RX! The hero grabbed the Haro and ran off with the Black RX theme song playing in the background. While running the two of them ran into a suburb where they spot a giant monster attacking the self defense force known as the Epyon Gundam. Beargguy yelled "Over here mother fucker!" Epyon was confused, but stepped over anyway only for Beargguy to use his King Stone Flash, causing pretty explosions all over Epyon's head. Beargguy then threw Haro at him like a destructive baseball before he leaped into the air to execute the RX Kick. Epyon blew up, but his pilot emerged, revealing to be the mighty Sephiroth! Sephiroth rushed forward with his Murasame, but Beargguy pulled out the Revocane from the Kingstone in his belt and dueled with him a bit. Before long he stabbed Sephiroth in the gut, turned around, and struck a pose as his bishonen opponent was terminated in a fiery explosion upon falling down. The hero told Haro that he was his trusty companion even though the little robot clearly suffered a concussion. Both rod off in the Acrobatter for another heroic adventure.

That was the damn prologue, now for the main adventure!

Beargguy and Haro ride on the Acrobatter and notice a swarm of alien hell spawn known as the Invaders tearing military officials to pieces. Not surprising considering Invaders have a habit of being 10 meters tall, having amorphic bodies with high regeneration, have a fuckload of teeth, and only die fast if you spray them with getter rays. Anyway, Beargguy jumped into the air and proceeded to rider rick one of them in the fucking face. The Invader quickly regenerated half its face from being blown off from the kick, but Beargguy proceeded to punch the shit out of it (figuratively) until it stopped regenerating. Yes, seriously this happens to them, and Getter Robo fans wonder why Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann got more popular (having consistent writing tends to help!). Beargguy then summons his Revocane and slashes the Invaders to pieces with the severed parts trying to fuse themselves into one blobish mass of eyes until he uses the King Stone Flash to fry them all. The remaining military men start talking to Beargguy once his Kamen Rider form dissipates and Haro hopes over.

  • Military Officer: Who are you?
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy-San, also translated as Beargguy 3 and Mr. Beargguy, but you can call me Beargguy Mother Fucker! Its a calling card!
  • Military Officer: Well, thank you for saving our asses from aliens!
  • Beargguy-San: Oh please, you guys would have been fucked regardless of where those things came from. Military weapons don't hurt giant monsters! Have you never seen Godzilla movies as a kid?
  • Military Officer: I was more of a Gamera kid- Not important. We were actually trying to find a dangerous fugitive! A norma!
  • Beargguy-San: A what?
  • Haro: Norma: A woman born with the inability to manipulate magic and shatters magic constructs upon physical contact. They are legally considered sub-human, usually taken as soon as they are born, and are forced to fight alien menaces as the front line.
  • Beargguy-San: Oh yeah, I forgot how slime humans can be sometimes. Ass fuck cunt clowns or.... Fuck, I don't have a proper insult!
  • Military Officer: Will you at least help us? She escaped the local military prison with a bunch of weapons.
  • Beargguy-San: Oh shit, an armed child? HENSHIN! *Beargguy transforms back into his RX form*

Beargguy and Haro rode off into some nearby woods, soon coming across a cave with a camp fire in it. Beargguy snuck in only to see a teddy bear with a long tongue and tattered patterns on her body and held an M4 Master Key assault rifle and FN MAG heavy machine gun in her hands.

  • Beargguy-San: Whoa! You the norma! *shots fired near his feet*
  • Perolina: The name is Perolina, remember it! I am the norma that escaped the all-female military prison base of Arzenal! Why tell you this? Because I am going to fight every single discriminate fucker that wronged us!
  • Beargguy-San: Oh a nihilist, eh? You're.... Actually not bad looking, Beargguy like lady bear!
  • Perolina: Don't change the subject, butt clown.
  • Haro: Wait Perolina! We are heroes that fight injustice everywhere! We are the manly men that- *Beargguy punts Haro into the cave*
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy like Perolina! Beargguy hate discrimination and injustice! Beargguy will be the hero!
  • Perolina: I escaped myself, I don't need the likes of- Actually, wait, if you and your friend help liberate the rest of Arzenal and fight the military control over us, I will be your friend. I'm not just saying this because I have no male friends and most of the inhabitants have never met one. Save us from the Invaders, the Radam, the BETA, the Space Terrible Monster Crowd, the Shadow Angels, the Zeravire, the Mimetic Beasts, Buff Clan, the Megaborgs, the Gaizok, the Festum, and so many other enemies in between I honestly lost count after the twentieth faction!
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy heard of all those evildoers where Beargguy is from! Beargguy will do it because Beargguy Mother Fucker!
  • Perolina: Uh-
  • Haro: Don't ask, its his calling card, he doesn't even use commas for some reason.
  • Beargguy-San: As if commas were ever manly!

Shots suddenly fire with the military demanding Perolina surrender only for her to fires some shots and toss some frag grenades at their armored transports. Beargguy and Haro leaped in to fight them off, the former with his newly found martial arts and Haro with.... bouncing around into their faces and guts. Anyway, the fight with the humans quickly ended and Beargguy offered Perolina a ride on his Acrobatter to get away. While the two ride off we cut to Bald Mountain where aliens from the Crisis Empire do some very fiendish ritual with a figure cloaked in black on top of an altar.

  • General Jark: Haha! I never thought I'd see the day, but Kamen Rider Black RX lost his King Stone and it found a new host! Emperor, your power has been set into motion as you have willed it!
  • Dracula: Very good my dark inter-dimensional minion. Do you have the relics I wanted?
  • General Jark: *pulls out a bag* All seven Chaos Emeralds!
  • Dracula: Now my giant robots can activate and I can call upon the powers of the Warp to unleash the greatest demonic army to ever walk the galaxy! HAHAHAHAHA!

After that tidbit, Beargguy, Perolina, and Haro stop at a cottage in the middle of another forest far way from where they were previously. Beargguy had retracted his rider form and knocked on the door. Opening it was a white version of him and a little blue mini-Beargguy.

  • Beargguy-San: Hi ya sis!
  • Beargguy-Ni: Hi bro, I heard you beat the shit out of Sephiroth or something.
  • Beargguy-San: I did, he hijacked the Epyon Gundam!
  • Petitguy: Uncky San!
  • Beargguy-San: How's my little nephew doing!? Dawe, look at you, your mother teaching you martial arts?
  • Beargguy-Ni: He defeated a damn green belt this morning and is going up to blue belt!
  • Petitguy: I'll get me a black belt one of these days!
  • Beargguy-San: Mind if we crash for the night? I brought a norma!
  • Perolina: Why the hell would you say that?
  • Beargguy-Ni: Normas are welcome here! All oppressed minorities are welcome! Beargguys give cuddles, not judgment! Even Cubs fans despite how we're White Sox people.
  • Haro: Its okay Perolina, Beargguys also have a strong sense of justice, they'd welcome you in even if you were a pedophile.
  • Beargguy-Ni: Err, really not comfortable with pedos actually.

Beargguy-Ni welcomes her guests in, sends her son up to his room, and gives the trio some hot chocolate in front of a lit fire place. Upon doing this they start talking to each other.

  • Perolina: So that belt buckle, what is it?
  • Beargguy-San: The King Stone! Used by Kamen Rider Black and Black RX! You can tell this is the RX version because it is two smaller red stones instead of a big red one. Plus the spiffy outfit is mostly green with some black instead of black with yellow stripes! It even comes with that grasshopper motorcycle called the Acrobatter! Oh yeah, and it has a nifty car too! I'll summon that tomorrow!
  • Perolina: Care to share anything else about you?
  • Beargguy-San: Nope, just a friendly neighborhood karate fighting model kit based on a teddy bear! Also I watch lots of robot cartoons and tokusatsu shows! You?
  • Perolina: All my fans are military soldiers trained since they were toddlers, I am the mascot that gave them hope. Recently some gray looking knights with guns pillaged the island prison of Arzenal and killed nearly everyone with massive casualties on both sides although they didn't have as many deaths as us. I managed to escape by hijacking one of their troop carriers and once the attack was over the military rounded up everyone with little effort to make sure they couldn't escape. There are still dozens of them still trapped on that island and lord knows what horrible things they are doing to them
  • Beargguy-San: Torture? Killing? Beating? Rape?
  • Perolina: Not that last one, just rectal exams despite what Anime News Network may lead you to believe.
  • Beargguy-San: Oh. That and Perolina's story makes Beargguy sad.... Beargguy know how to help! Beargguy will take you to the awesome city tomorrow!
  • Perolina: The what?
  • Beargguy-San: I'll get use some giant fighting robots and liberate your friends! More lady bears for everyone!
  • Perolina: Actually Beargguy, I'm the only bear from there, everyone else is human. Well, as human as normas can be.
  • Beargguy-San: Awe damn! But a promise is a promise, Beargguy go night night now and try not to think of bad smells. Beargguy Mother Fucker! *shuts eyes and sleeps*
  • Perolina: Bad smells?
  • Haro: Beargguy is really good at smelling blood, mixing it with mucus actually nauseates him, that's why he has no female human friends.
  • Perolina: I'm used to smelling it, most of the inmates claim it isn't a big deal after you turn eighteen really.
  • Haro: Men really don't like it and not just human ones.
  • Perolina: Whatever, night Haro.

That night everyone went to sleep comfortably. The next morning the trio headed to a nearby metropolis of millions of people filled with lavish skyscrapers and people of all kinds sprawling around.

  • Beargguy-San: Perolina, welcome to Mechapolis! This is where justice takes physical shape, where knights are born to fight the cruel and/or amoral fuckwads! We also call this place Chicago! Lets get a giant robot!
  • Perolina: Oh cool! How do you know its a good idea to use a giant robot though?
  • Beargguy-San: Chicks dig giant robots!........ Right?
  • Perolina: I've been surrounded by armed flying robots for a long time! That is what the poor girls are used to fight in! There's a grim joke that goes around about how their mecha also serve as their coffins....
  • Beargguy-San; That is why we should show up with a kick ass robot! Knights rescue princess and stuff!
  • Perolina: Wow, that was fucking misogynistic.
  • Beargguy-San: Oh please, I've read and watched enough of romance stories aimed for and made by women and most of them are no different than romance stories for and by men, the only difference is that men act less subtle. Same situation, different view gawking about who they want coitus with!
  • Perolina: Romance stories are not like in real life!
  • Beargguy-San: Lets also not forget common fantasies include the whole "princess is saved by a knight and the happy end where they procreate" shtick, women feel safe while men feel rewarded!
  • Perolina: You can't lump in one sexual fantasy and assumes it applies to everyone, pig!
  • Beargguy-San: It's the most common fairy tale out there, lets be honest. Ya know, I always thought women never had sex drives before they hit thirty and that men would have to persuade them as hard as they could to get laid and would only succeed if they were amused by their attempts. Thanks for confirmation!
  • Perolina: That is NOT how women think of guys!
  • Beargguy-San: So which damn scenario is the correct one? HMM!?
  • Haro: Technically both! Perolina is right as not everyone shares common fantasies, sexual or otherwise, and that sex drives start at adolescents instead of adulthood. Beargguy-San is right as human sexuality is mostly the same between both genders and that the knight and princess dynamic is one of the most common fairy tales in existence as it presents a challenge with the ultimate reward of procreation.
  • Perolina: Okay then, Haro, why are men more boorish?
  • Haro: From a biological standard it makes sense, men have more testosterone to make them more aggressive. This is necessary to encourage procreation as they can spread their genetics more and over a longer range of time as men do not become pregnant and remain fertile well into old age. Was this useful?
  • Perolina: Too useful.
  • Haro: However, don't let this biology lesson be a downer, you are you and you can decide how your life is dictated and where to go with it. Only you can make your own brain synapses that makes you unique.

Beargguy and Perolina become heart-touched by Haro's words. Beargguy looks over to Perolina and says "sorry" while kicking some dirt with Perolina replying "you're an okay guy". Both briefly hold hands and Haro goes "d'awe" and gets kicked into the air by both of them. Soon after that the trio goes into a Scottish pub where a bunch of mecha anime fans talk in round tables.

  • Perolina: Is this where we get giant robots?
  • Beargguy-San: Yes! All we need is to gundam-jack a few people! We'll have to figure out how to take their keys!
  • Haro: Beargguy this is redundant, can't we just give out fliers on their cars that saying "princesses in danger, come save them with your mech!" or something?
  • Perolina: I hate to admit it, but it makes more sense than stealing, never under estimate the power of free pussy!.... I can't believe I said that. *face palm*
  • Beargguy-San: Okay! But we need a diversion so we can sneak fliers into everyone's pockets! Haro, can you make fliers?
  • Haro: There is a copy company next door and we have enough money on your Discover card.
  • Perolina: I'll go with him, after we get the fliers what next?
  • Beargguy-San: Leave it to me!
  • Perolina: Alright, good luck! *she and Haro leave while Beargguy-San turns his attention to the bar folks*
  • Beargguy-San: Hey guys! *everyone looks at Beargguy-San* Saki was not raped in Valvrave!
  • Costumer 1: Of course she, she didn't say yes.
  • Costumer 2: She also didn't say no, faggot.
  • Costumer 3: She was leaped on and couldn't escape!
  • Costumer 4: Horseshit, she has body swapping bite powers and could have easily kicked Haruto in the groin!
  • Costumer 5: But tears!
  • Costumer 6: Because without her he would have done it to someone else! She also took it very well without trauma!
  • Costumer 7: Oh can it shit head, that's just sloppy writing!
  • Costumer 8: Resorting bullshit trope logic and not in-universe explanations are we, potato fucker?
  • Costumer 9: Eat a bag of dicks, it looked like rape!
  • Costumer 10: Get wrecked, she allowed it the instant she knew!
  • Bar Tender: Fuck me, this shit AGAIN!?

Within seconds the entire pub was littered with one very bloody brawl as the costumers, most of whom were drunk, were wailing on one another with their fists, feet, mugs, bottles, and cans with Beargguy-San thinking "every fucking time". Within moments most of the pub was unconscious with Beargguy bopping the remaining folks on the head to knock them out. Perolina and Haro returned with the former disturbed and Haro explaining, causing her to roll her eyes and then shrivel. Fliers were stuffed into all of their pockets and the trio snuck out of the pub. Suddenly a human with a ton of yellow armor on wielding a battle ax walked into the pub.

  • Space Marine: Which one of you is.... Beargguy Mother Fucker?
  • Beargguy-San: Ooh! Me!
  • Perolina: OH FUCK ITS ONE OF THEM!
  • Haro: Wait, what?
  • Perolina: They were wearing gray with yellow and black stripes, but you were the invaders that trashed us!
  • Space Marine: Miss, please, that wasn't us.
  • Beargguy-San: Who the fuck are you?
  • Space Marine: I am a space marine, first company of the Imperial Fists, one of many legions of space marines loyal to the Emperor. You know him as President Obama.
  • Haro: Oh yeah, you're in the Galactic Imperium!
  • Space Marines: Our arch-nemesis traitor legion, the Iron Warriors, were the ones to attack Arzenal. I don't know why the blue, green, red, yellow, pink, or black fuck (Go go Power Sentai!) they came to the home world of Terra. However, wherever the Iron Warriors go the Imperial Fists will terminate their asses. The Inquisition division, and I can't believe I'm saying this, wants us to recruit you to be a temporary space marine to fight these fuckers.
  • Beargguy-San: AWE YEAH! Do I-
  • Space Marine: No, you get no spiffy terminator armor like me, this is really nice shit I'm wearing, you get generic devastator armor. Also we're not swayed by ambiguous fictional sex scenes like those drunk bloats there.
  • Perolina: How long will this take?
  • Space Marine: When we're fucking ready? In the mean time you and that robot-
  • Haro: I am Haro!
  • Space Marine: Wario, right, can convince those mecha pilots to free Arzenal. Some of our intern scout marines will be walking in here to assist you and recruit them with assloads of money. We've hired these guys before, when we didn't Dracula took out Santa and the world's porn supply died out. You, miss, could be a Sister of Battle!
  • Perolina: HAHA NO! I read that story about how many were sacrificed by the Grey Knights to stop a Chaos force (khornites?) that was already harmless!
  • Haro: And wasn't that a pair of Neo Zx-toles that destroyed the North Pole based on Samuel L. Jackson's report?
  • Space Marine: Uh, well, you see, I uh, TO WAR! FOR THE EMPEROR AND DORN! Come Beargguy!

Beargguy went with the terminator clad space marine while a bunch of armor-less scout marines waltzed into the pub and started to help Perolina and Haro recruit the knocked out mecha pilots. Be it money, women, free beer, and free pornography that would be delivered to them, all of the mecha pilots eventually agreed to help the Imperial Fists despite their subtle disgust with having unnecessary allies, especially against Iron Warriors of all enemies. During this time Beargguy was training on a Imperium star ship, doing boxing, squats, push ups, pull ups, sit ups, and acrobatics both with and without the King Stone assisting him. Within the course of a day the trio, pilots, and marines were prepped up and headed out. Within a few hours they reached the ravaged island and noticed a military fleet surrounding the island within a six kilometers radius. The space marines hopped down onto the battle ships and destroyed them with their guns, swords, axes, hammers, grenades, and even their fists. Beargguy managed to jump down to the island's coast, now with his rider form and in tactical space marine armor, and briefly wrestled with a giant squid before punching it in both eyes, sending it to flee into the depths. He then blasted a large squad of heavily armored human troopers with shields in front of him with Perolina and Haro parachuting to his location with the former having both her M4 and FN MAG.

  • Beargguy-San: BEARGGUY MOTHER FUCKER!
  • Perolina: Stop saying that, please! Anyway, the girls are likely in the sub basement, Haro and I will go rescue them while you fight off the goons! *runs*
  • Beargguy-San: Yo! Wait, what will Haro do?
  • Haro: Not get abused by you. *rolls away*
  • Beargguy-San: Okay then! *starts shooting battleships from afar Rambo style* *Insert maniacal laugh here* What the?
  • Jark: *emerging from a cliff* Beargguy!
  • Beargguy-San: Oh damn, a toku villain!
  • Dasmader: *also emerging from a cliff* And he didn't come alone!
  • Jark: We the Crisis Empire will not let you leave this island alive!
  • Dasmader: Our emperor will make sure you suffer horribly! HAHAHAHA!
  • Beargguy-San: So it was you jack-holes that attacked this place and sent those chaos space marines over here!
  • Dasmader: We kidnapped all the norma from the attack so our master could- wait, what do you mean chaos space marines?

Suddenly a warp storm occurred, bending the fabric of reality when a few flying ships emerged from them. Like the Imperial Fists the Iron Warriors dropped down like bosses and terminated everything in their wake. Jark and Dasmader ran off with Beargguy chasing them. The island had become bombarded with random mines all over the surface and coast going off. One of the chaos lords in terminator armor touched down and confronted Beargguy.

  • Chaos Space Marine: Wow those loyalist retards are getting desperate to ask gunpla models for help. The hell are you?
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy Mother Fucker!
  • Chaos Space Marine: Never heard of you. Regardless, your ass will be grinded here once we deal with Dracula's minions if you're not fucked to pieces first.
  • Beargguy-San: Wait, Dracula? The hell?
  • Chaos Space Marine: Yup, he's doing something so heinous the fucking Chaos Gods themselves demanded we be sent here to stop him; when things like a demonic version of Odin and a pansexual that sexually tortures billions of space elf souls find something disgusting, that is saying a LOT.
  • Beargguy-San: The fuck is Dracula doing with toku villains and women that can't do magic and crap?
  • Chaos Space Marine: Fools! Dracula was the one who implemented these "norma" be rounded up and fight aliens and upon enough alien species dying out he could summon the renegade himself and his followers so we decided to slay all of them- Wait, why the fuck am I telling you this?

Just before the chaos lord was about to shoot, a pink wyvern came up behind him and sent him over a cliff, knocking him out and allowing Beargguy to rider kick him in the face followed by gun fire which took him out. More chaos space marines appeared, but Beargguy managed to shoot them down with Perolina showing up and taking some out as well. Haro hopped closely behind as the two bears met up and he wyvern got close.

  • Beargguy-San: Why is there a damn dragon here!?
  • Perolina: This is Vivian, we raised her when she was just a newborn and found her washed ashore after an invasion from her species.
  • Beargguy-San: So why keep her around?
  • Perolina: Interior defense, fortunately she managed to hide herself in a secret room, but I didn't see anyone else-
  • Beargguy-San: Dracula took them! The chaos space marines here are fighting the same people that created this island prisoned, dehumanized your kind, and is now sacrificing them to something called the "renegade"! Dracula also had toku villains here before they showed up!
  • Perolina: Where the fuck is Dracula?
  • Haro: Bald Mountain, it is the place of worship for Satan's followers. At the very least its a start!
  • Perolina: Well, we better go there. Vivian, stay in the bunker until I come back with everyone, okay?

The wyvern happily complied and ran off. During this the Imperial Fists and Iron Warriors unleashed everything in their arsenal at one another with the military slowly dying off. The mecha pilots were being taken out in the chaotic weapon fire across the battlefield, some ejecting while others went out in a blaze of glory. Beargguy, Perolina, and Haro managed to find a portal into the Warp and jumped into it. Upon doing this they traveled through the hellish Lovecraftian landscape known as Warp Space, but since all three of them were technically living toys most of the disease, dreadful noise, magic, and sheer heat was nothing to them. By sheer luck they managed to come out of the other side of the portal and onto the base of Bald Mountain. Convenient! The trio soon see Jark and Dasmader with other tokusatsu villains circling Dracula's with dozens of norma girls tied to polls and gagged with duct tape.

  • Perolina: Oh no, this is bad! The hell is he doing?
  • Beargguy-San: Some sacrifice mumbo jumbo shit.
  • Perolina: How do we rescue them?
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy thinking of going in and kick ass, maybe take a picture of the gagged girls and sell them to some bondage site like the Western Civilization!
  • Perolina: *face palm* That was a stupid joke even for you!
  • Haro: Fuck you Beargguy, that joke was cruel and dumb!
  • Beargguy-San: Shut up Haro! *kicks Haro toward the bad guys and almost hits Dracula; everyone turns around and notices* Awe damn it.
  • Dracula: Damn you, bears! Jark! Dasmader! Were these the two you encountered on that island?
  • Jark: Yes sir, how they followed us is unknown.
  • Dasmader: Well they're too late, Malal is about to be manifested once we kill all these women off in the ritual!
  • Beargguy-San: Wait, you mean THE Malal? Oh fuck!
  • Perolina: Who?
  • Haro: The fifth chaos god, also called Malice, enemy of all life including the Imperium and Chaos Undivided, the deity is usually compared to Satan and has his own legion of rogue chaos space marines called the Sons of Malice who are essentially silent cannibals. This had to have been what the chaos space marines were trying to stop! Oh shit, bitch!
  • Dracula: Wow you guys connect the dots well! GET THEM!

The trio went in and fought Dracula's minions. Perolina went gun crazy and soon took out a bowie knife to help her in close combat while Beargguy did a bunch of aerial flips and flying kicks, while in bulky armor, and used his ax and King Stone flashes to chop and blast all around. Before long Beargguy took out Jark and Dasmader by shedding his armor and hitting them, much like the riders in Kamen Rider Kabuto. Haro took it upon himself to try to untie the norma, but his size was so small he couldn't do jack squat. Perolina took it upon herself to start untying them while Beargguy confronted Dracula.

  • Dracula: Say, I remember you, Santa's elves had someone like you take down the Macross!
  • Beargguy-San: Ah, the Beargguy Mark 1, my father! Yup, like all gundam related technology we have strong senses of honor as we originated from the yautja homeworld which your master, Parallax destroyed- Hey wait, if Parallax is your master why the hell are you serving Malal?
  • Dracula: Malal promised a doctrine in business and become the successor of senator Ted Cruz! I also gave him the chaos emeralds so he could manifest and bring to life the infamous six: The Valvraves!
  • Beargguy-San: Oh shit bitch! That's.... Quite diabolical actually! The Valvraves have cursed the mecha fandom into an age of darkness and shitty rape debates!
  • Dracula: How ironic coming from someone that used that as trollbait.
  • Beargguy-San: How do you know that? At least with the space marine you could make the argument he has superhuman hearing.
  • Dracula: I'm Dracula, bitch. Besides, what the fuck are you, pathetic naive?
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy Mother Fucker!

The opening theme to Kamen Rider Black RX played in the background and Beargguy went into rider form. Dracula fired lasers from his ring and used his curved red lightsaber while Beargguy had a pair of beam sabers from his paws erected to fight him. (Note: That was one of Beargguy-San's actual weapons in Gundam Build Fighters, you'll soon read about the other!) Energy slice clashing occurred, neither combatant was able to get a proper gain over the other until Beargguy spewed a bunch of cotton from his mouth all over Dracula's face. After that Beargguy summoned the Revocane and impaled Dracula in the heart, but since it wasn't wood it didn't kill him. Instead Dracula's ring transformed in a Yellow Lantern ring, revealing himself to be a member of the Sinestro Corps.

  • Dracula: Did you really think my master made it that easy to kill me- *crunch sound* *Dracula sees a green pencil impaled from the back to the torso*
  • Perolina: Well that was easy!
  • Dracula: I'll be back damn it! *explodes*
  • Haro: Yay!

Suddenly a warp storm opened up with a horned black and white rat sticking his head out. This was the mighty Malal and he stated "That damn vampire! I can barely get my head out! Oh well, at least I can still unleash some minions- " before continuing he was cut off, both the Imperial Fists and Iron Warriors began shooting from their ships with cannon fire to hurt Malal and send him back into Warp Space. Beargguy and Perolina then proceeded to put their paws together and form a giant energy heart to force him back to his home with the portal exploding, kind of like the end to G Gundam. After that the two legions were about to square off against one another, but their leaders decided for a temporary truce since they just stopped the most powerful chaos god from entering their world. As their ships flew off the heroes decide to talk.

  • Perolina: If it wasn't for you the girls would have all died, thank you ya manly bear!
  • Beargguy-San: If it wasn't for you Beargguy would have nothing to do!
  • Haro: Except eat stolen honey all day and complain about how the Bears didn't make the Super Bowl.
  • Perolina: Well girls, what do you say?
  • Normas: Thank you Beargguy-San!
  • Beargguy-San: Beargguy Mother Fucker!
  • Perolina: Please stop being third person-y.
  • Beargguy-San: Okay. Want to date?
  • Perolina: Once I get the girls to safety, sure!
  • Mack: I'll take it from here, folks!
  • Beargguy: Oh awesome, its Mack!
  • Perolina: Literally, who?
  • Haro: Real name Richard Machowicz, a US marine even the space marines respect and was a host on Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior. He's one bad ass mother fucker!
  • Mack: Thank you, little robot. My men have been tracking Dracula for some time, he will return, but we'll be ready for him! As for all the women here, now that Dracula has been exposed for crimes against humanity his genocidal rules are no longer in effect! We can give all of them proper homes and families.
  • Beargguy-San: Just like America, coming here to save the mother fucking day!

Mack's brigade arrived to help Dracula's former sacrifices with his remains contained in a titanium jar and transport all the normas back to civilization. Mack also found the chaos emeralds and placed them in a briefcase labeled "to Angel Island" on it. Beargguy also had to return his King Stone to the troops so they can return it to its original owner. The trio got on their own helicopter and soon arrived back at Chicago. By the time they got into the city streets it was midnight.

  • Perolina: Come to think of it, what day is it?
  • Beargguy-San: Valentine's Day! Want to go on a date now that your mission is complete?
  • Perolina: But you're a total manchild that constantly speaks in the third person and.... You have a really good heart, can't fault you for that.
  • Beargguy-San: And you're rude and angry a lot- But you have heart too, Pero. *both bears proceed to have a hug*
  • Haro: D'awe. I know this awesome place that sells fish.
  • Beargguy-San and Perolina: FISH! YUM YUM YUM YUM!

The story ends with both bears eating at a fancy restaurant owned by Svengoolie and sharing a Sakura fish while Haro played with a blue and pink alien squirrel couple named Pitz and Lapa that also hung around for Valentine's Day; all this while I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight by Cutting Crew played in the background. President Obama looked through a window and nodded thinking "You did good, fellow Chicago citizen".

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