The Worst Christmas Fic Ever is a parody of fan fiction created by X; also referred to as The Great Fan Fiction of Darkness (Ankoku Dai-Fan Fiction). This story has a sequel called The Worst Valentine's Day Fic Ever.
It was Black Friday night at Chicago Land, everyone in the vast metropolis went Christmas shopping and worked over time while the turkey in their stomach and football fantasies dwelled in their minds. On that day X was tired after working all week and met up with his friend, Y, because of something he wanted to show him.
- Y: Come on, X!
- X: No! I'm afraid, man.
- Y: I promise you, /m/ is a fun place!
- X: Only if you insist. *goes to site* Say, this place isn't so bad.
- Y: Told you, keep looking.
- X: Say what is thi- *sees picture of a woman in a shower with five penises out of the wall* I'm out! *runs*
- Y: *shakes head* Oh X, you're such a pussy.
The next hour X went to his apartment and decided to watch a recorded episode of Storage Wars he recorded. During the bidding he noticed that the last locker being bidding on had this large coffin everyone seemed to be eying. Eventually Darrel won it as he thought there was a wild factor to it with a cost of 850 dollars. At the end of the episode it said to look for an episode of Pawn Stars that was on that night where Darrell would sell it; with that X turned off the episode and went to another channel where the episode happened to be playing.
- Darrell: Here is an old coffin filled with some guy's cloak, a ring, and dust.
- Chumlee: What do you want for it?
- Darrell: Hoping at least a couple thousand.
- Chumlee: Sold!
X commented as he was watching "Oh Chumlee." Later in the episode the rest of the cast commented.
- Old Man: Darn it Chumlee!
- Rick: Chumlee, go take this coffin and dump it in that ravine that opened up near that cotton mill recently and dump it there.
- Chumlee: Oh come on bo-
- Big Hoss: Chumlee, you're not Millhouse, you can't get away with spending company money on old garbage.
At the end of the episode Chumlee dumped the coffin with it's contents in a ravine near a cotton mill that had a graveyard on the other side of the building complex where the coffin was dumped. However, little did anyone know that at the moment X turned off his TV that said coffin used an evil influence to attract a rat-like bat that was the size of a cow and blind to it. This creature was unofficially named Man-Bat-Rat, or MBR, and was produced from the nuclear waste dumped into the ravine. The creature carried the blood of some corpses from it's graveyard feeding ground and spewed it onto the coffin's dust while under the influence, essentially giving it an EUI (Evil Under the Influence which is illegal in most states). The dust soon morphed with the cloak and ring to form a human-like entity.
- Dracula: I am now back from beyond the grave! I will now have my revenge of Christmas for I am the prince of darkness! I am: Count Dracula!
The next night Dracula and MBR took over the local Wal-Mart and terrorized the local townsfolk using his magical powers and ring that shoots lasers. The police department tried to stop the vampire prince only for him to pull out his curved red light saber and chopped everyone up. However, after stealing some sleigh bells with MBR, he fled into Wal-Mart's back room and seemingly disappeared. What had happened was that a magical portal had opened up and transported them both to Mount Crumpet where the Grinch was keeping watch.
- Grinch: What's the password, bub?
- Dracula: Do You Remember Hate?
- Grinch: Welcome back, master.
The Grinch and MBR got behind Dracula as he destroyed half of Mount Crumpet to reveal none other than the legendary anime battleship the Macross. All three of them went aboard the giant vessel and placed the sleigh bells into some swimming pools where they mutated into creatures of darkness known as gremlins that hated light and multiplied by getting wet by water. While they were asleep he placed some of them into stasis tubes that mutated them into alien-like creatures known as zoanoids that featured weird powers using organic technology that Dracula was familiar with. Once Dracula smiled with a heinous grin he unleashed his guard dogs that patrolled the Macross: Giant T-Rexes with Allosaurus minions and their leader being a Spinosaurus raised on the isle of Isla Sorna.
- Dracula: And now the ancient prophecy as said by Weird Al will be complete as for this night Santa Claus shall be crazy!
- Jack Frost: Hohoho, fool.
- Dracula: Who the hell are you?
- Jack Frost: I'm just your neighborhood serial killer mutated into a killer snowman with snowball children that can only be killed by bananas. You?
- Dracula: I'm Dracula, bitch.
- Jack Frost: Say, can I join? I love making guts go squish squash and that's not even with applesauce!
- Dracula: Eh, sure, why not?
With that said Jack Frost joined Dracula's forces and summoned his army of mini murderous snowball children. Truly the world was doomed if all of them were off to fight Santa Claus. With that in mind Dracula started to raise the Macross from it's icy grave and rose it to the point where it as high off the ground and could fly to the North Pole. However, in the tiny town of Whoville there was a vigilante that did not approve of such evil flying by.
- Batman: This has to be a very diabolical plan if Mr. Freeze is involve; either him or Dracula. Either way, to the Bat Cave! NANANANANANANANA!
As Dracula and his minions headed toward the North Pole we find X taking a stroll into a bakery ran by seven samurais and a yojimbo; although the samurai were hard workers the yojimbo was in the back room and liked to rub his beard so much that white gunk sprayed out of his beard if it became too stiff. This happened because he freaked out about having stomach cancer from a waiting room patient, actually had it, the doctor lying about it, and the yojimbo sued him for malpractice to acquire money for a stomach transplant whose doaner was a prostitute. With that said, X met the seven workers.
- X: Hi, I'm here to pick up some sweets for a party.
- Samurai: Sure what will you have?
- X: I'll start with a snicker doodle.
- Samurai: A SNICKER DOODLE!? HOLY CRAP! *presses a shiny red button and the bakery explodes, killing everyone*
Doctor Who and Harry Potter could see this explosion all the way from the top of the Seattle Space Needle, commenting on how much Americans love explosions as they were playing Old Maid to see who could own King Ghidorah because Governor Scott Walker laid off the Union Workers at Wisconsin. Without the ability to negotiate wages, Union Workers could not afford to pay off their bills pertaining to the amount of dark chocolate that was used to satisfy King Ghidorah's hunger and geass powers. Shortly after, he broke out of his cage underneath the Mexican border and destroyed the United Kingdom until Hogwarts, Doctor Who, and the demon mercenary Inuyasha managed to tame him using a stalk of corn and a VCR armed with chainsaw rocket launchers.
Meanwhile, getting back to the story, the bounty hunter known as Boba Fett was fighting off nazi werewolves and wookie zombies in Cuba lead by the notorious Captain James Tiberias Kirk of the USS Enterprise. After using a ton of weapons in his arsenal Boba eventually managed to slay them all and arrest Kirk when he got a phone call on his iPad. Knowing who it was, he took off his helmet to reveal his true identity.
- Mike Tyson: Yo boss, this is Boba Fett here.
- President Obama: Shut up, Mike, I know it's you.
- Mike Tyson: Well either way I arrested that Star Trek guy like you wanted. Yet another person complained about TSA security, when will they learn?
- President Obama: Good, but we have a bigger threat, one that will destroy the world. Just minutes ago the bakery ran by the seven samurai and the yojimbo that was smart enough to sue his doctor for malpractice for lying about stomach cancer and got a transplant got blown up.
- Mike Tyson: Does that mean?
- President Obama: Yes: Someone said Snickerdoodle, which means Dracula has risen from the grave. You will go to Canada and meet up with Batman and the Ninja Turtles to discuss further action. Remember, the customer is always right and I'm going to finish my KFC(+) with sweet and sour sauce from McDonald's in collaboration with Microsoft and Circuit City.
- Mike Tyson: You can count on me; up up and away!!!!!!!!! *blasts off*
(+)Note: Obama eating KFC is a joke line referencing a one chapter fanfic sequel to Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem from AVPGalaxy called Vengeance of Wolf. Over the years it grew a cult following.
Meanwhile, Santa gets word from President Obama at the crisis at hand and sends out a giant metal teddy bear from Japan known as Beargguy to fight the Macross and it's crew. Around the North Pole the elves set up Santa's shop much like the Rebel Alliance's base in The Empire Strikes Back while throwing in graboids underground with some screamers and the thirty foot great white shark Jaws for good measure. Moby Dick and Monstro The Whale swam under the Arctic Ocean and tried to fight off Dracula's killer fortress only for the Grinch to throw a pair of bombs that looked like cookies and the two mammoth whales ate them by accident in a lapse of judgment. Shortly after, the Spinosaurus launched a kryptonite warhead at the North Pole, warning the elves and Santa of their impending doom with the jolly old guy commanding his army of toy makers "We must not let them pass! For life, freedom, liberty, honor, tradition, and porn!" With the elves quickly replying "For the porn!" Captain Picard arrived to lead the elves into battle while riding a talking donkey named Donkey as his steed and wielding pepper spray as his main weapon.
Beargguy and the elves fought the Macross as well as the gremlins and zoanoids that were lead into combat by carnivorous dinosaurs. The fight ravaged anything and everything within miles of it as Dracula morphed into a bat and confronted Santa Claus wielding a double sided green lightsaber.
- Dracula: So it comes to this, prepare to die!
- Santa: Hell no, Dracula, I will not let the world's supply of porn fall into your hands where you will destroy it!
- Dracula: It is revenge for what you did to me in kindergarten, Claus! How dare you rat me out while I yodeled in the cafeteria!
- Santa: As if I care. Hohoho and a bottle of rum!
- Captain Jack Sparrow: Say Clause, is this a bad time to mention that Stephen Colbert escaped the bacon chamber again?
- Santa: *Pulls out a pistol and shoots Jack* I hate being interrupted!
Just before the duel over the world's porn supply was to be fought over, Seal Team 6 arrived with it's members being Mike Tyson as Boba Fett, Batman, the Ninja Turtles, and Master Chief as their field commander. The seven of them tried to back up Santa when a bat gremlin dropped a small lime green parasarolophus named Ducky that went "Yep yep yep!" and shed her skin to become a xenomorph face hugger that attacked Batman. Mike Tyson tried to get the face hugger off, but it was too late as a chestburster with Chuck Norris's face bursted out of his ribcage and impaled Tyson with his feet. The chestburster then looked at the Ninja Turtles and Master Chief funny, causing their brains to explode. Dracula laughed only for Santa to yell "Mugen PUUUUUUUUUUNCH!" and extended his arms to fight Dracula and the Chuck Norris chestburster. However, instead of simple punches his arms kept going until they reached the Moon and exploded; shortly afterward Santa retracted them.
Meanwhile, once the Macross was down from Beargguy's laser eyes of doom, a special zoanoid that was empowered by the Chaos Emeralds and Dragon Balls emerged from the downed ship and yelled "HOLY CRAPZORZ I'M NEO ZX-TOLE, BITCHES! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The beetle-like creature then executed mitosis, causing him to split into two beings that were identical and yelled "BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WE ARE CAPTAIN PLANET!". Santa looked out and yelled "TWO NEO ZX-TOLES!? Fuck, EVERYTHING DIES!" Within mere seconds the two zoanoids used organic lasers from their bodies to destroy the entire Arctic, causing Global Warming to occur and destroying the world's supply of pornography. Samuel L. Jackson complained about this as he tossed out toxic snakes on a plane with The Force while under orders from S.H.I.E.L.D. Dracula, now on the Moon, returned to Earth where the Republicans paid him handsomely with the IP addresses of virgins he could drain the blood of. Dracula laughed as he would use his A-Wing to report back to his master, Parallax, who had just destroyed the yautja homeworld and their gundam technology. With that phase done, the republicans quickly moved onto their next phase to use Pennywise and the cenobites to make swindling deals with huge corporations that would allow the Republicans to reawaken the Inhumanoids for an alliance with the sharkticons and Mikene Empire lead by Darth Sidious and his sidekick, Muttley.
Now for quick exposition backstory! These measures were originally put in place in ancient times by Johnny Quest and the Venture Brothers to prevent such a catastrophe, but Charles Montgumery Burns had unleashed the republicans to create an alliance with them, Parallax's forces, and Darth Sidious's forces for the trifecta of evil to enslave America so that The Old Ones could be revived to give free candy and soda made of their pet shoggoths. After Captain America was assassinated by Cell disguised as Justin Bieber, an alliance of good was formed to find Dracula and shut down the entire operation. After Godzilla and Ultraman successfully managed to imprison Sidious's minion, King Ghidorah, underground with the fires of Mordor, it would seem as though that the side of justice would have won. However, since the world's porn supply has been murdered slaughterhouse style, everyone would become mindless zombies, like George Romero prophecized while in the Matrix, until it can be restored using the Eye of Thundera and brocolli. This gave the republicans a four year window to rule and with that said....