- Title: Sneaky Agent
- Author(s): agentmatt
- Genre(s): Adventure/Suspense
- Date of Publication: December 13, 2009
- Story Rating: K (yes, really)
- Status: Complete
Characters (In Order of Appearance)
- Victor Jr.
- Mildred Volt
- Professor Professor
- Changed Daily
- Doctor Doctor
- Special Agent Ray
The fanfic begins with Victor and Anita getting ready for work as usual, while feeding the newborn twins, Victor Jr. and Vanessa, formula. After they drop the kids off at their grandma Mildred's house, they leave for work. As soon as they've gone through all the processes to get to the main pod, they arrive at the briefing room, where the chief, Changed Daily, is about to speak when an U.Z.Z agent comes in and hands him a letter, apparently one Special Agent Ray wrote where he explains he went on vacation (this would be "holiday" in the UK) that morning and is indecisive about when or if he wants to come back, because he really loves his vacation spot, so much that he wants to stay there and move in permanently. He writes that until he's made his decision, he's hand-picked someone to take his place and wear his sunglasses. After Changed Daily finishes reading the letter, Professor Professor reveals who the replacement is. That's right, it's none other than the Italian scumbag himself, Alphonse! After the chief receives his name of the day, Peter's Plumped Pecan Pie, he tells Victor and Anita that they're going to be sent to the T.H.E.M base to confiscate the reconstructed un-inventing ray before the Expendables can get it to work. Upon hearing this, Alphonse yells out no and somehow manages to persuade them to send him over there in their place. So he flies over to the T.H.E.M base on his skybike and it's there we discover that Alphonse is actually a double agent (le gasp!). Doctor Doctor, being the wonderful genius she is, hands over a decoy un-inventing ray to Alphonse to take back to the U.Z.Z base. After work, Victor and Anita go home to discuss how work was, until Victor figures out that something just doesn't seem right. At the end of the chapter, Victor decides to do some investigation to confirm his suspicions.
This chapter picks up immediately where Chapter 1 left off. Victor investigates Alphonse because he's noticed that he's been acting strangely ever since he was introduced as a replacement. He then notices Doctor Doctor talking to someone whose voice he immediately recognizes is Alphonse's. So Victor decides to record the conversation as evidence (the reason he can only record the conversation is because his cellphone wasn't charged enough to record video) and show it to his wife, Anita. After he wakes her up, he has her listen to the evidence, which, of course, is shocking to her. Anita then warns her husband that Professor Professor might not believe him and could actually get him suspended (lolwut?). So another day passes by and it's like yesterday: boring with Alphonse doing all the work. That night, Victor continues his investigation and ignores the fact that he and his wife are also partners at work! Anyway, Victor decides to spy on Alphonse, but guess what? He's not there. Just as Victor decides to call it a night, he sees some grass by the T.H.E.M. base and discovers it's fake. Not only that, he also discovers some stairs that lead to an underground area. As soon as he reaches the bottom, he hears a man trying to cry for help with tape on his mouth, bound by chains and handcuffed, trapped in a little cage. Victor uses his cellphone to shine light on the man and he is revealed to be Special Agent Ray! Oh noes!
Once again, this chapter immediately follows the previous chapter. Victor has just found Special Agent Ray caged, bound, handcuffed and silenced with duct tape. He manages to free Ray from the cage with his trusty laser gun and pull off the tape from his face. Once Victor's done all this, Ray furiously asks where Alphonse is and Victor replies with saying that Alphonse is currently in the main pod at U.Z.Z headquarters. Ray asks why Alphonse is at U.Z.Z HQ and Victor explains to him the letter he apparently sent to U.Z.Z saying he was on vacation and he hand-chose Alphonse to take over for him until he finally decided whether or not he wanted to come back and when. Ray then tells Victor that he did not write the letter and that he would never pick Alphonse to be his replacement, not even in a million years. After they discuss the reasons why Ray wouldn't have Alphonse as his replacement, Victor uses his laser gun first to blast off the chains and then the handcuffs. As they head out, Victor asks Ray if he knew about Alphonse working for T.H.E.M. (For some reason, it's ".M" in the original quotation.) Ray explains that three nights before, he was searching for his sunglasses at the T.H.E.M flying spidery base (he must really love them or he wouldn't be looking for them in the first place), because he had dropped them earlier, when he approached Alphonse and decided to question his motives for being there. Before he could answer, he says ten Expendables attacked him and the last thing he remembers after that is seeing Alphonse head towards him with a lead pipe (we can all assume he had hit him over the head with it) and that's how he ended up in the cage.
Meanwhile, Anita is getting the lovely twins ready for bed. Tonight, she is reading to them a classic fairy tale called "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." Before she can even read the first sentence out loud though, she hears a bang from the living room and goes to see what it is. Surprise, surprise! It's-a him, Alphonse! Anita asks what he's doing and he responds with shooting a laser which she manages to evade. She notices the T.H.E.M logo on his laser gun and figures out that he is in fact a double agent. Before she can do anything else, Alphonse uses his laser gun like a nightstick and hits Anita over the head with it. While she is slightly knocked out, Alphonse does the "worst thing he's ever done" and runs off with the babies (he ran into the kids' room and just took them away? Subtle!), leaving Anita on the ground. Afterwards, Anita wakes up and runs into the babies' room to find them gone, which is funny because she saw him run out with the kids so she was already aware that they were gone- hey, wait a minute!
After Ray gets the stuff he needs for work, Victor gets an urgent call from his wife, who tells him that Alphonse broke into their house and kidnapped the children while crying her eyes out.
Yet again, this chapter immediately follows the previous chapter. Victor tells Anita that he's on his way right after she tells him about how Alphonse broke into their house and kidnapped their children. Ray decides to help his buddy get back at Alphonse for what he did, but first they fly to see Anita. Victor's so pissed about what's happened that he just runs right into his house to see his wife crying in the hallway. He asks her if she's okay, and she responds by telling him she's fine and just wants their kids back. Victor assures his wife that they'll find Alphonse and get the kids back before then noticing that she's covering a spot on the left side of her head with her hand; he then proceeds to ask if she's holding the spot where Alphonse had struck her with his laser gun. She tells him she is and then takes her hand away to reveal an inch-long cut with a bruise. The sight of this is enough to make Victor's blood boil over, so he tells her that he's going to bring her over to Mildred's house so she can fix the wound on her head (according to him, she volunteers as a nurse three times a week) while he tracks down Alphonse. Anita asks if he wants her to help out, but then Victor tells her that it's too dangerous. (They're partners in marriage and at work. What the fuck is this shit?) She then pleads with him not to go alone, which then prompts Ray to appear by the door and assure her that he isn't going alone. Anita is surprised to see him there, to say the very least, and Ray manages to explain where he's been the last few days. Afterwards, they drop Anita off at Mildred's house and proceed to start looking for the kids.
They then start discussing where Alphonse could've gone, first bringing up the abandoned art gallery and then the T.H.E.M base. During their conversation, Ray points out that since Alphonse is an artist, he could very easily forge someone's signature. Victor then ponders that since Alphonse supposedly works at U.Z.Z as well, they also let him access their papers and give him enough time to memorize any signatures that might be present. They continue talking on their way to the abandoned art gallery.